The Worst Year of My Life

2020 was in many ways challenging, but it pales in comparison to 2006 and the early part of 2007. In 2006, I was trapped in an increasingly destructive cycle of self-sabotage and increasing psychological dependence on alcohol, combined with acute anxiety, chronic depression,

Continue Reading The Worst Year of My Life

The Stone that I Keep Hidden Away

I’ve realized sober for a time, that fear of abandonment runs through my veins. My dad would disappear for several days a few times a year on a drunken binge. Usually, he also gambled away virtually everything we had. As a young child, I was terrified. As a preteen and teen, I was still terrified, but also, fantasized that he might never come back.

Continue Reading The Stone that I Keep Hidden Away

The Whole World Sighed

The past several months I’ve felt captive to ‘what if’s’. What if he wins? What if he loses? What if this happens? What if that happens? I spent my morning on Tuesday, November 3, 2020, doing 3-4 simple tasks that I had planned to do that day no matter what the news.

Continue Reading The Whole World Sighed

Penelope’s Story

This story began forty-five years ago, but to tell it, we need to begin at a more recent point in time in September 2020 when I attended the San Antonio, Mostly Agnostics, A.A., Zoom meeting. I have become a regular attendee because the San Antonians provides an atheist friendly space for the alcoholic.

Continue Reading Penelope’s Story

I Sit By This Little River

Rivers are special places in my life. They are a physical setting that I seek for refuge and to find peace - to feel okay when I am not. Rivers serve as an apt and useful metaphor in my life. I’ve written many river poems.

Continue Reading I Sit By This Little River

I Close My Eyes Though I’m Quite Awake

Sleep evaded me at my bottom - unable to fall asleep without drinking alcohol - unable to fall back to sleep without drinking alcohol. Lately, though sober for some time, I’ve had several nights of waking and being unable to fall back to sleep.

Continue Reading I Close My Eyes Though I’m Quite Awake

A Love Letter

I need to find a way to stop my “us and them” mentality. On several occasions, while attending A. A. meetings, emotions have arisen in me that are far removed from the compassion inherent in Buddhist practice.

Continue Reading A Love Letter