2020 was in many ways challenging, but it pales in comparison to 2006 and the early part of 2007. In 2006, I was trapped in an increasingly destructive cycle of self-sabotage and increasing psychological dependence on alcohol, combined with acute anxiety, chronic depression,
A poem by Colette M. You can learn more about Colette on episode 202 of the AA Beyond Belief podcast.
I’ve realized sober for a time, that fear of abandonment runs through my veins. My dad would disappear for several days a few times a year on a drunken binge. Usually, he also gambled away virtually everything we had. As a young child, I was terrified. As a preteen and teen, I was still terrified, but also, fantasized that he might never come back.
“... We may feel that we are making up for lost time but we are not; we are making the most out of a second chance...”.
The past several months I’ve felt captive to ‘what if’s’. What if he wins? What if he loses? What if this happens? What if that happens? I spent my morning on Tuesday, November 3, 2020, doing 3-4 simple tasks that I had planned to do that day no matter what the news.
Rivers are special places in my life. They are a physical setting that I seek for refuge and to find peace - to feel okay when I am not. Rivers serve as an apt and useful metaphor in my life. I’ve written many river poems.
Sleep evaded me at my bottom - unable to fall asleep without drinking alcohol - unable to fall back to sleep without drinking alcohol. Lately, though sober for some time, I’ve had several nights of waking and being unable to fall back to sleep.
In my struggle to find sobriety in AA, I unexpectedly became Buddhist by doing the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Writing, including gratitude lists, parts of my personal stories, essays about principles, and steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, and for me most importantly, poetry, has been an essential part of my recovery.